Post #4: Kick FEAR in the REAR

Today I did something that I was absolutely terrified of. TERRIFIED. The last few weeks have been awful. I had at least 15 panic attacks (big ones) just thinking about today. At certain points I debated calling and cancelling but the more I talked to my friends and family, the more my resolve became strong. I had to face my fear, I had to kick it, I had to be strong.

I had my Manometry test (also known as a swallow study) at the hospital. This isn’t my first time having this test done, I had it done prior to my surgery (4 years ago) - this test helped determine if I was a candidate for the surgery. I had the test done today because I’ve been having a lot of difficulties swallowing and random but extreme chest pain. BUT...because I have already had the test done and I knew what to expect from it….yikes.

What exactly is a manometry? Well...let me walk you through it. There is honestly no way to describe how yucky and uncomfortable this test actually is so you may read this and be like “it doesn’t sound that bad” but just trust me on this, it is BAD. Prior to the test, the nurse squirted some lidocaine (numbing medicine) into my nostril. After a few seconds, they took a thin tube and inserted it into my nose. Once I felt it hit the back of my throat, they made me take sips of water to help ease the tube down the esophagus and into the stomach. I was not sedated or relaxed or on any kind of medicine for this. Once it was in, the nurse explained that they would do a series of directed swallows and it was imperative that I did NOT swallow unless they told me it was ok. This is what makes this test so awful. When you have a foreign object in your throat, your body’s fight or flight instinct is to compulsively swallow to try and get that thing the hell out. If you swallow, they have to start ALL over again and nobody wants that. They did anywhere between 15-10 directed swallows and man was that the worst 15 minutes of my life. I will be honest though, the hospital I had the test done at this time around was wonderful and the staff were so kind and amazing. The last time I had it done, they strapped me to a bed in an operating room and they were awful. I did mess up a few swallows, I couldn’t stop myself. After the first few mess ups I heard a tiny voice in my head saying “sing a song” so that is exactly what I did. Every time he told me to not swallow for 15-30 seconds...I sang the first song that came into my head (Michael Buble - Feeling good) and practiced my deep breathing. That did the trick and I was able to make it through the test. The purpose of this test is to measure the strength of swallows and the function of them. This will help determine esophageal motility.

I don’t have the results quite yet, they have to be analyzed by a doctor BUT the nurses kept saying that I had some fascinating/interesting results. I kinda blocked a lot out but I heard them say things like “fractured peristalsis” - mind you, I don’t know what that means, but I’ll find out soon.

I have gastroparesis, which is a stomach motility disorder. The results of this test will show us if I also have an esophageal motility disorder as well. To be honest, I’m pretty positive that all parts of my digestive system have some type of dysfunctional motility. This will just be “proof” of that.

I had someone say to me “how do you even know something is wrong? I don’t even notice when I swallow”. Well...BINGO…you don’t notice it. I do. EVERY single swallow, I feel it. Imagine every time you take a sip of water...you felt that water go all the way down your esophagus and into your stomach. Every time I swallow (even when I’m not eating or drinking) I am acutely aware of it. It doesn’t hurt, it is just uncomfortable. Sometimes, my body overcompensates and I have esophageal spasms which are so extremely and horribly painful. Even though I know what is going on, there have been several occasions even in just the last few months that were so bad that I almost had someone take me to the hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack. There are also times when it feels like something I have just eaten is stuck in my esophagus. This is very scary. The best way I can describe it is that it creates a very claustrophobic and panicky feeling. I have given myself bruises before from hitting my chest and/or back trying to dislodge those items and get them moving. I know my body VERY well at this point in my journey and I know when something is wrong. Going for these tests, even when they are scary and panic inducing...are important. They are important because I need answers and I need to ensure that I’m doing everything I can to get myself on the road to feeling like my best self (I don’t know what my best self is anymore...but I’m going to get there).

As John Mayer would say:

“If fear hasn’t killed me yet...then nothing will. I’ve got no choice but to fight til’ it’s done. Fight on (I won’t give up), fight on….”