Another one bites the dust

For some reason, this one hit hard.

The results of my swallow study (5/10/21) came back just this past Tuesday (6/8/21) - it was news I was expecting but apparently wasn’t prepared for. When I read through my test results in depth, my whole heart sank. Unfortunately, my esophagus was also affected by the surgery I had in 2016 - it is partially paralyzed (apparently my stomach didn’t want to fly solo on that gig). I can officially add a diagnosis of ineffective esophageal motility (IEM) to my already long and horrific list of diagnoses. The test showed that 60% of my swallows are weak, 20% were effective and 20% were completely absent (which means they didn’t provide enough strength to even move spit down). This in itself is pretty concerning - it means the only way food can move down my esophagus and into my stomach....is gravity, liquids, and very small bites that are chewed down to a powder. This, combined with Gastroparesis is a lethal combination. Once that food does move from my esophagus into my stomach - my stomach is paralyzed and only works every 10 hours or so and it doesn’t work that great when it does choose to actually digest things. If I don’t chew everything down to a pulp, chunks of whole food move down my esophagus (which only works well 20% of the time) and right into my stomach. If the chunks of food are too large or I eat something that isn’t safe - my stomach has no way to break it down any further. So it sits, in its whole form and rots. My body still continues to have no way to process this food. So it rots some more. Takes me about 10 hours to process one small meal so if I eat before that other rotting meal has been digested, I’m just adding food to that pile and then eventually that food will also rot. Once my stomach decides to open the flood gates to transfer everything to my intestines - it’s too weak to pass alllllll of that through. It does as much as it can and then whatever is left will continue to sit there until my stomach decides to open up again in like 10 hours. Majority of my pain radiates from the spot in my back where my esophagus and stomach meet. It is sharp, stabbing, achy and very consistent. A lot of times I can’t feel my fingertips (don’t worry, I have seen a heart doctor and these symptoms have nothing to do with my heart). I also have a hiatal hernia (part of my stomach pushes up into my esophagus) - which only adds to the pain of things. My daily pain level would probably send most people to the hospital, I unfortunately have learned to live with it. When I say I’m bloated, man...I am bloated. All that sludge is sitting there rotting and creating all sorts of toxicity that is being passed down to my intestines. By the time it leaves my stomach, it’s poisonous sludge. Here is the best analogy I have: think of when you are cooking something that is super thick, maybe a sauce or a soup. Towards the end of cooking it when all the ingredients meld together and those first few bubbles rise to the top and pop. They are loud and messy. That is what my insides feel like. I can feel it but you can hear it too. When my body finally starts to digest things at night, you can hear the cycle of “plop, gurgle” on repeat as it moves through each section of my digestive tract (my dog gets really freaked out by the sounds, she just sits there and tilts her head while she looks at my stomach like “ummm what is that”). It’s not the kind of bloat that can be relieved by going to the bathroom or letting air out, it goes much deeper than that. I’m sorry to compare bodily functions to food, I just have no other way to explain it. If you think you are grossed out just reading it, imagine how I feel knowing that I have that flowing through my insides.

I have not yet gone for the test that will show if my lower digestive tract was paralyzed and to be honest, I don’t know that I want to. Knowing that 50% of my insides are paralyzed and will forever be that way because you know….nerve damage….can’t be undone. It is CHRONIC. Not curable and right now, barely even treatable. Is hard. I cracked a joke the other night when I was telling someone about it and I said “Yeah I mean 50% of my digestive tract is paralyzed, it’s a tough pill to swallow” and then I hung up the phone and I cried for hours because...it ACTUALLY is a tough pill to swallow...literally.

I don’t explain these things in full detail just for fun. I do it as a way to bring knowledge and awareness to what those who suffer with digestive dysmotility deal with on a daily basis. It is gross, it is uncomfortable, it is painful, it is scary and it is ostracizing.

Empathy and hugs go a really long way.